im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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