Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
