I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
