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So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
