i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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