Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
