he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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