I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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