if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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