woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
