he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
