the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
