Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
