i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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