I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
