I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
