You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
