he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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