New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
