Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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