my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
