how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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