At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
