Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
