His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
