I think my vagina is haunted
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
