You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
it's great music for shaving your balls
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
