Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
