So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
