Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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