My girlfriend figured out who you are.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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