Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
