Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
