sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
