No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Naked Twister starts at high noon
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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