Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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