It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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