You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
