I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
