Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
