I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
