What did we do last night that was yellow?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
