Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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