I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Randomize
