I'm really into asian looking animals
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
