i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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