i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
