i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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