god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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