if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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