You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
