idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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