nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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