I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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