Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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