My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
