Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
