he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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