he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
