If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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